Kenyan Wright: 25 Summers #Behindthechairstories
“My ex husband and I met the summer of me going into my senior year of high school. I had no plans of seriously dating because I knew in one year I would be off to live my “It’s a different world” dream. But who knew one summer would turn into twenty-five." ~ Kenyan
THIS IS #BEHINDTHECHAIRSTORIES
12 years as boyfriend and girlfriend. 13 years as husband and wife. At the time of marriage we had an 8 year old….then 3 years later came our second child. It was seemingly the ideal socially conditioned life: Two kids: boy and girl, picket fence no dog. Then one summer everything turned cold. Nothing was growing. Here is the part where I tell you the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak. I came home one day and I just knew…and I said to myself if I stay in this I’m going to die (not physically) but in every other aspect I saw myself losing who I was and what I wanted to be. The life was leaving me, but I was raised to stay. Divorce was the big no, you push you make it work and I tried until I couldn’t anymore. And one day I asked him to leave and 10 months later I filed.
In full vulnerability I can say this: divorce is hard. Even when you know it’s for the best. It’s grief that’s sometimes offers no closure. The difference with death is you can understand and accept that the person is no longer here. In divorce they remain and you may never get the truth, you want answers but all you get is acrimony. It feels like a huge wave and you need all of these things so you don’t go completely under: paddling strength, positioning to catch the wave, timing, and balance. I felt every emotion: fear, anger, resentment, happy, and relief. I was afraid to let go and start over. I was angry because I shared a quarter of a century with someone I loved and this is what it comes down too?? “Siri: play Get Money by Biggie Smalls. I was happy because I had faith in the future. I was relieved because now all I had to carry was me.
I sat down with my kids and told them I had to choose me. I am a parent who believes kids don’t listen they model and I can’t preach what I’m not practicing which is if you are really unhappy you have to make changes, you do not have to stay in any situation that’s suffocating. You can let GO. I promise you it gets better. You just have to ride those waves and eventually you will be on shore enjoying the blue sky. But it’s gonna take bravery, and courage. “Siri: play Brand New Me by Alicia Keys.” Divorcing was one of the best decisions I made and as I end this I can tell you this: I’ve unpacked. Transitioning lightly. And I am absolutely open to love and marriage again. There are no take backs. What I gave has been given. And I have a whole lot more to share.
When asked:
1. Is there anything you specifically did to overcome like therapy, personal fitness etc. to start feeling like yourself again?
Answer: Yes. THERAPY. I initially started to deal with the loss of my mother but with any good therapist she started from the beginning and helped me unpack so much. I was in therapy for 2 years she was tough but I needed it. When seeking a therapist it was important to me that she was black, female and older. I didn’t want that pull from the DSM label me therapist meaning I needed someone who really understands my background and life experiences. I wanted someone to hold me accountable. But also knew when to tell me it wasn’t my fault. Because I can be so critical of me. When she made me cry snot cry I wanted to fight lol but that’s the moment I knew she was the one. We argued for a few sessions about something she wanted me to take responsibility for and I told her no because that wasn’t true or on me. I also became a spin addict I did spin 3 x a week at 5:30am. Now it’s Pilates and spin but I tell everyone the gym is therapeutic for me it helped me mentally and emotionally. It’s like good quality air. Even now if I get overwhelmed I’ll ride my bike and it helps me release. I meditated more. For me prayer is talking to God meditation is listening. A lot of days I had no words or couldn’t come up with them so I would wake up and simply say thank you but today I need to hear so talk to me. It also takes a lot of accountability and accepting the fact that I allowed some things. Not to take away from what happened (for me) but once you know and you don’t move you are allowing, and that’s a hard pill to swallow but it was the medicine I needed. I also began solo travel with no agenda. I would pick a place and just go: so much self discovery happens when you are with you. I learned to stop feeling like I always had to be on this healing journey. I could just BE. All wounds heal but some leave behind scars but it doesn’t mean when I see it I have to re-live the pain it caused. It could just be a reminder of how I got over!
2. What’s in your personal toolkit that you might tap back into if you’re feeling off, doesn’t have to be from the divorce but just life in general. Like what are your checks and balances.
Answer: Oh this is easy! I exercise. I take naps or just sleep in preferably on white sheets I love white sheets. I create do nothing days with no certain agenda: I may watch Romantic Comedies. Repeat a movie I saw 1000x (Eve’s Bayou), solo date, solo concerts and I love to go somewhere and have me a nice martini or a French 75 and cross my legs.
~ Kenyan Wright
